As the title states, we lost Papa, my father on October 26th, 2022. It was two days before our birthday (Agbenu and me), October 28th.

Agbenu’s party was scheduled for Saturday, October 29th, so Sweetheart and I decided to hold off on breaking the news to our children until after the party.

When we got home and, the excitement began to settle, I signaled Sweetheart and she agreed. So, I called them from the game room:

“Hey, guys, we need to have a meeting.”

Once they were seated, I said:

“You know that Papa has been getting old and sickly right?”

They didn’t acknowledge it. They were just astounded. So I continued:

“He fell sick last weekend and didn’t make it. He passed on, on Wednesday.” I paused for a moment to let it sink in, then nodded and added, “yeah, we lost Papa.”

After another moment of silence, I said, “I’m sorry, guys. How do you feel about this news?”

John took a deep breath and said, “Mr. Criddell’s death prepared me for this. After he died, the reality of death hit me hard.”

Mr. Criddell lived two houses away from us. He adopted me and my family as his. He played a wonderful father and grandfather figure to us until he passed on two years ago. We miss him dearly.

John continued, “but this is… (paused and nodded his head) …yeah.”

Me: “It’s tough, right?”

John: “Yeah.”

Me: “I feel you, son. It’s tough for me too. I noticed that it seemed you have been watching me closely all week and it was hard for me to make eye contact with you. Did you suspect something?”

John: “Yeah, I noticed that you were more caring and loving. It’s not as if you’ve not always been, it became even stronger.”

Me: “Son, you are always very sensitive about people’s emotions and it’s so good. I want you to keep it up. See, I believe that when we lose a loved one, it should make us better appreciate and love those who are still alive. I hope that this sadness from Papa’s death will make us a more loving family.”

John: “I’m so, sorry, dad.”

Me: “Thank you, me too.”

I turned to Agbenu and said, “Mama, how are feeling?”

All along after I broke the news, she just kept weeping silently. She shook her head gently and said:

“I didn’t call him as often as I wanted to from the last time, I talked with him.”

Me: “I understand you, Mama. When we lose a loved one, we always feel as if we didn’t do something well enough. We even ask ourselves if there’s something we could have done to prevent their death. Mama, you did well. You kept in touch with him more than how most kids your age would have done. So don’t beat yourself up too much but I won’t stop you from mourning him either. You two had a very special connection.”

She took a deep breath and kept sobbing. Yes, Papa and Mama had an amazing grandfather-and-granddaughter relationship.

Meanwhile, Ofu has been pacing about since he heard the news.

Me: “Papi, how are you? What’s going on with you?”

Ofu: “I don’t know how to explain it but it looks like everything on my inside is mixed up. I’m very sad and I want y’all to know that even though I make y’all upset a lot of times, I love you very much.”

Me: “Papi, it was so sweet of you to say so. We love you very much too. Yes, it is hard to truly describe the sadness we feel about Papa’s death. He used to describe you as a very kind boy. Do you remember how you used to hold his hand and help him walk?”

Ofu: “Yes, but I’m still sad.”

Me: “I’m sorry, Papi. I feel sad too but here’s what I know can help all of us feel better. A better way to put it is that Papa has gone to be with Jesus. He is no more sick and very happy. He is now our guardian angel and will be praying for us. Let us also keep remembering all his happy memories. The last thing that I want to say is this: this is the time to show that we trust God. We must depend on Him to heal our hearts. When we were children like you, Papa always encouraged us to pray even if we don’t understand the situation. I am also saying the same to you, my children.”

Understandably, it was hard for them to accept my condolence at the moment. They just breathed deeply. I hugged them and allowed them to process it.

The truth is that our natural instinct is that we want to protect our children from the storms of life. If I had a way of sparing them this grief, I would have taken it, but it is not realistic for them to be shielded in a bubble. It is an opportunity for them and us as a family to experience the inevitable grief of life together. We expressed our grief in a way that was peculiar to our individual personalities. It shows the necessity of family and community in times of grief. The pain shared with loved ones is less. It stresses the need to focus on what is truly important in a family: loving and being loved. Finally, Papa’s death presents us the opportunity to grow our resilience to keep living, thriving, and playing our roles in life, despite our adversities.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4.

• 10/29/2022