With an attention-seeking cry, Ofu reports Oche to me: “Dad, Oche is not being a big brother to me.”

Me: “Why?”

Ofu: “Because he’s being mean to me.”

Me: “Ok, tell him to come and see me.”

Ofu: “Ok.” (Runs off and didn’t return)

(Oche arrives)

Me: “What’s going on?” (In a calm tone)

Oche: “We were playing games, then he got stuck. He asked me to help him and I was helping but he kept yelling ‘I want this one, I want that one…'”

Me: “So you were all playing the same game?”

Oche: “No. I was playing a 5th-grade math game, mama was playing a 2nd-grade math game, and he was playing crafting and building.”

Me: (Now sitting face to face with him, I smiled to douse his tension) “I want you to know that I’m not upset with you. Ok?”

Oche: “Ok.”

Me: “And also, Ofu wasn’t really telling on you, he just wanted your attention, and so I don’t want you to be upset with him, ok. (He nods with relaxation – tension diffused and agreement for peace secured.) Do you know one of the coolest things to have?”

Oche: “No.”

Me: “To have a big brother. And do you know one of the coolest things to be?

Oche: “No.”

Me: “To be a big brother.”

Oche: (Smiles)

Me: “See, Ofu just wants to hang out with you and do stuff with you. That’s why he likes to dress like you, be in the same car with you when we have to go out with two cars, and that’s why he’s popular with your friends – they see you do a good job of being a big brother. See how he and K… do scooter racing every time she comes around, even though she’s your friend?”

He nods.

Me: “He sees you as his superhero and that’s why he asks for your help all the times and cries out to you whenever he is in a timeout for making poor choices.”

He nods.

Me: “Also, I know having a big brother is really cool because I’ve been told by my junior brothers and sisters. I know that when Ofu is old enough he’ll tell you so. It just feels so good whenever I help my younger ones to fix a problem. Don’t you feel like that when you help mama or Ofu?”

He nods.

Me: “See. The other thing is, when we try to help somebody, we have to also listen to what they really need. Like, when mom bought you your new shoes recently, you had three choices to pick from right?”

Oche: “Yes.”

Me: “What if she made you pick the one, she liked, instead of the one you chose, because she was paying for it with her money? How would you have felt?”

Oche: “I won’t be as happy as I am with the one, I picked.”

Me: “Probably, you would have been sad right?”

He nods.

Me: “And I would have understood your feelings. I think that’s how Ofu felt as you tried to help him out, which was also why he was shouting ‘I want this…I want that…’ I think a little more listening would have helped. I know you’re already doing a great job of being a big brother to him and mama, just keep it up ok. You will be happy for doing so.”

Oche: “Thanks, dad.” (Hugs)

Not having a big brother was once a ‘vacuum’ that I wished was filled. God continues to work in His mysterious ways to help me. Now, I am turning my circumstance of being a big brother without a big brother and my experiences to help my son navigate the murky waters of big brotherhood. It’s paying off, according to the good book.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8: 28.

Big brotherhood is a calling! Through my kids, I’m learning that fatherhood is a process, not an event!

• 9/12/17