All three children had dental appointments today and while we’re preparing, Ofu was still sleepy so I assisted him to the bathroom for morning urination. While I talked to him to encourage his alertness and to snap out of sleep mode, he said:

“Dad, my pee-pee hurts.”

Me: “Where does it hurt?”

Ofu: “Right there.” (Locates by pointing)

I did a quick physical assessment – genital and urine normal.

Me: “Does it hurt only when you pee or at all times?”

Ofu: “Only when I pee.”

Me: “Does it burn when you pee?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: 🤔💭 (UTI or urine crystals???…I thought.) “Ok, try and drink lots of water today NOT juice or soda… well we don’t have soda at home right now, so that’s good…”

Ofu: “Ok.”

Probe some more instead of resigning to the worst case scenario, I thought to myself. 🤔💭

Me: “When did it start?”

Ofu: “The last time we went to Aunt Ive’s house.”

Me: “Last Saturday?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “How did it hurt?”

Ofu: “I peed hard.”

Me: “You peed hard?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “Did you also just pee hard?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “So it hurts every time you pee hard?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “So did you pee hard because you were in a hurry to pee very quickly?”

Ofu: “Yeah”

Me: “…quickly, so you can go and play?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Now, having ruled out the suspicion UTI and urinary stones, with calm nerves I said:

“I think it hurts because when you pee hard, you force all the pee to come out all at the same time and the pee-pee hole is too small to let all the pee out all at the same time. So next time, try not to be in a rush when you pee, and it shouldn’t hurt but if it still hurts, tell me or mommy. Ok?”

Ofu: “Ok, dad.”

Oche and Agbenu walk into the bathroom just then.

Oche: “What’s going on here?”

I narrated the story. Then at the end, I added, “Guys make sure you’re wiping your pee-pee really good after you pee like we’ve talked about before.”

Oche: “Mm-hmm.”

Ofu: “Ok.”

Agbenu: “I’m already wiping mine when I pee.”

Oche: “But girls don’t have pee-pee.”

Hmm! At this point, I knew the discussion was about to enter into a new dimension.

Me: “They do.” (thinking I can escape with that)

Agbenu: “Oh, we do? I thought our private spot is called vagina?”

You’re busted, deal with it! I thought to myself. 🤔💭

Me: “Mama, it’s so good that you know the appropriate name for your private spot. How did you know the name?

Agbenu: “My friend (name withheld) told me.”

Me: “Ok. Did she tell how she knew it?”

Agbenu: “Yes, she said her mom told her the appropriate name for it.”

Me: “That is so good.”

Agbenu: “Mm-hmm.”

Me: “So what were you two talking about when she mentioned vagina (I’m still uncomfortable but all masked up.)

Agbenu: “Oh, we were learning about some famous people in social studies. So, when we learned about… I think it was Paul Bunyon(?), well, I can’t really remember, it said he was born in Virginia, but I called it vagina. So, my friend (name withheld) corrected me and said that’s the name of the female private spot. I think their spellings are the same but pronounced differently.”

Me: “Mama, I’m so happy that you can share this with me. Thank you.

Agbenu: “Mm-hmm.”

Me: “Their spellings and pronunciations are similar but not the same. Virginia is spelled V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A while vagina is spelt V-A-G-I-N-A.”

Agbenu: “Oh.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Now, turning to boys but more to Oche.

Me: “Boys, so what’s the appropriate name for pee-pee.”

Oche: “Penis.”

Me: “Excellent! And how did you figure it out?”

Oche: “During the puberty video last year.” (See the post: “Let’s Talk Puberty.”)

Me: “Ofu, did you get that?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s awesome. I’m so glad we can talk about this. Guys, please remember that even though we know the appropriate name, it is still a private area. We need to respect it and not just don’t go about talking about it except when it is very necessary and with the right people.”

Oche, Agbenu and Ofu: “Yes, dad.”

Insights:

As uncomfortable as it is to discuss this subject, I consider it a blessing to have the opportunity to do so with my children. The truth is that they will learn it: someone WILL teach them. The factor of consideration is whether if they will learn from a safe or unsafe source. Hopefully, as their father, I’ll continue to create the safety needed for them to be forthcoming and where I can ask questions in a manner that is not interrogating so I can know them even more.

If Oche were to feel unsafe to oppose my conclusion that girls were also endowed “pee-pee,” this encounter probably wouldn’t have been as fruitful. His assertion was respectful and unthreatening to my authority. Overall, my goal is to make our home an absolutely safe place for communication no matter the subject. I have the ability and the obligation to do that!

• 3/12/19