Have you ever yelled at your child to stop yelling?

Yes, I have.

The first time I did, it was one of those nights after a very exciting day. It was a really fun filled day with lots to eat and drink, and the children still definitely had high sugar levels at bedtime.

Bedtime routines had bed completed and night prayers had been said, and off they went to “bed.” All three cramped into the boys’ room, Agbenu sleeps with her brothers oftentimes. Soon afterward they began chit chat and giggle. Sweetheart and I took a few turns to remind them that it was time to shut down and sleep, but they kept going.

Then suddenly, it seemed like students had just been let out from the classroom to the playground on recess or break. With such a high level of energy and excitement, they stumped, pounded and laughed out loud uncontrollably. They had “kicked up such a ferocious racket,” according to Fr. Angus Fraser (of blessed memory) that it seemed the floor of the boys’ room was going to cave in and down on us on in our bedroom.

At this point I let hell loose, ran quickly upstairs to their room and yelled at them, threatening to throw them out in the dark so they can play as much as they wanted. Then they withdrew into a pin drop silence, so much that I felt their tension. However, I left them in that state and went back to my room.

Now lying on my back and my hands behind my head with toes wiggling as the stress of my yell overwhelmed me. A sad end to a beautiful day, I thought. I wondered if there was a different way of handling the situation. I’m sure that I would have found a better option if I had responded instead of reacted. I could have calmly pronounced the withdrawal of privileges as a consequence. Eventually, I fell asleep in the middle of having that conversation with myself.

The next morning they woke up and came to our bedroom, where we exchanged greetings and hugs (normal morning routine). Now, I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me or if I was engaging in self-guilt, but I felt they weren’t as excited as they would be. So, I began to look and see if any sadness from last night lingered.

Me: “Are you ok?” (Question not targeted at any of them in particular)

Agbenu and Ofu: “Yeah.” (Not convincing)

Oche made a hand gesture which indicated “so-so.”

Upon probing, I discovered that their gloomy mood was related to my yelling at them last night. So I apologized and told that them I could have handled the situation differently.

Then to my surprise, Oche said:

“Dad, I’ve never seen you talk like that before.”

Me: “I know son, I don’t like to yell. I can still say what’s on my mind without yelling. Again, I’m sorry.”

Agbenu and Ofu didn’t say a word, they just watched and listened as Oche engaged me. I then called for a group hug, after which they instantly lit up and went about their day.

Isn’t the hearts of children beautiful? They forgive offenses and let go of grudges easily. That’s the kind of heart that I’d like to have. One of the many wisdom nuggets that I received from my father, is his advising me not to repeat his mistakes. Apologizing to my children isn’t necessarily to make them feel good but to model desirable personal attributes such as:

• Owning personal shortcomings
• How to restore a broken relationship
• Disclaiming self-perfection

As challenging as it is I constantly remind myself that I can still affirm my parental authority without demeaning my children. Words matter! The tone of voice matters! When I drop the ball, I pick it back up. I used to think, like most parents (I guess), that I need to find a balance between love and boundaries. However, my perspective on this adjusted when I heard Dr. Henry Cloud’s interview on Focus on the Family’s Daily Broadcast titled: “Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Kids”

In the interview Dr’s. Henry Cloud and John Townsend share the highlights of their book, “Boundaries With Kids.” Here’s what Dr. Cloud said about loving our kids while ensuring their awareness of rules and boundaries.

“Well, I think it’s important to realize that – that it’s not a continuum. You know, it’s not like love is on one end and limits are on the other. It’s really parallel lines like a railroad track. You know, God has His grace that never ends and He has His truth that doesn’t get any interruptions in it. And so, if you can always remember that the love part is really about staying connected while you’re, you know, imposing the limits, and having a tone about you that’s respectful of them and their personhood and – and kind and all that; but really immoveable on whatever the boundary is.”

Dr. Henry Cloud. Retrieved from Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Kids

That has helped me to further realign love and truth, one in the right hand and the other in the left hand as we head towards the goal of having healthy disagreements.

The other insight is in watching Oche grow in assertiveness, yet maintaining respect as he communicates his concerns. I’m watching with joy as he continues to courageously hold me accountable as needed.

I have realized that being fearful of parents may be mistaken for being respectful to parents. I’ll rather be respected but I must first create the enabling environment for thriving relationships. I also believe relationship comes before of performance, therefore my words and actions must reflect my belief.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15: 1.