I made a routine call home to check up my family. After catching up with everyone, Sweetheart told me that Oche returned from school and told her about his encounter with a girl who is crushing on him, and she didn’t know how to really advise him. Instantly, I became very excited at the juicy opportunity to be involved in helping him out.

As inviting as it was, I didn’t just jump in straight away. I told Sweetheart that he may have told her in confidence and if that was the case, then we must maintain it. However, we agreed for her to encourage him to tell me. I feel that approaching him in this manner will encourage his freewill and add to our trustworthiness.

So Sweetheart and I planned that whenever the three of us were together, I’ll excuse myself out for a moment then she’ll prompt him to tell me, and so it was when the opportunity came. Oche and I were at the kitchen table while Sweetheart was cooking. I signaled Sweetheart and went to our bedroom briefly to give them the privacy for prompting as we planned.

What I believe we’ve achieved is a dignified manner of information sharing. Although, I’m confident that he would want to share this information with me without all the drama, however, encouraging him to do so freely will tear down any emerging barrier. It will also motivate him to continue to be forthcoming. This is very personal information that he’s chosen to share with us, so I consider it a blessing for him to tell either of us, therefore we won’t betray his confidence in either parent, just in case that’s the case.

So that was the appetizer, now here’s the main dish!

Upon my return from our bedroom he said:

“Oh yeah! Dad, my best friend says, she likes me and I don’t know what to do.”

He was eager to share. When my kids use “oh yeah” as a prefix to a statement, it indicates that they just remembered something that they are excited about telling. So I responded with equal enthusiasm. My face lit up with a smile to say “bring it on!”

Me: “Hmm interesting. So what do you tell her?”

Oche: “I told her that we’re already friends and that I didn’t understand what she meant. So she said, she’d like us to be closer and go out on dates.”

My minds eyes popped 😮 when I heard “go out” because I was probably 18 or 19 years old when I first heard about the concept of “going out” but here’s my son not even 12 years old yet and his peer is talking about going out and dating.🤔 Well, on second thought the term we used to ask a girl out prior to age 18 was “rap the chick.” 🤣🤣🤣 Well, enough of digression, let’s get back to the drill.

Me: “Ok. What else did she say?”

Oche: “Nothing. She just said I should think about it and let her know. Seriously, I don’t know what else to tell her.”

Me: “So how have things been between you and her?”

Oche: “Not so good. The other day she asked if I’ve thought about what she said. Then I asked her what and she repeated it. Then I told her what I said before then she started crying and walked away. She hasn’t been talking to me and she’s been avoiding me.”

Me: “And how does that make you feel?”

Oche: “Sad, because it hurt her feelings. Also, we used to play together and do some activities together but now we don’t.”

Me: “Have you told any of your friends or anybody else other than mom and me?”

Oche: “No.”

Me: (Placing my right hand on his shoulder) “Son, I’m so proud of how you’ve handled it. I don’t think that I could have handled it as smart as you did if it had happened to me at your age. You’re the man! (🤜🏾🤛🏾 and gave him a fist bump)

Oche: “Thank you, dad.”

Me: “Yeah. You don’t need to do anything else more than you’re doing. Give her some space and time but continue to be nice to her when you come across each other.”

Oche: “Ok.”

Me: “Do you remember when Mama (Agbenu) had a crush on one of her classmates in 2nd grade?” (Click here to see the full post: Helping my daughter to deal with crush.)

Oche: “Yeah.”

Me: “Ok. Mama felt safe to tell us about it and I helped her to work through it without a problem and she was ok. Maybe your friend does not have anyone to talk about her feelings or maybe she doesn’t feel safe to tell them. I guess she felt safe to tell you.”

He looked on with keen interest.

Me: “Girls like to go close to boys that they can feel safe with. Our job is to protect them and keep them safe. Sometimes that means not agreeing to do what they ask to do and not doing anything different as you’ve done.”

He smiled and nodded.

Me: “Doing so will help you now and so much as an adult. See, I grew up with so many girls around me, most of them are still my friends today. I work with so many ladies who I am friendly with and we treat each other with respect. I learned how you’re handling the situation now, much later than your age but it’s what’s helping me now to maintain healthy relationships with all my female friends. So I’m really glad for you.”

Oche: (More smiles) “Thanks, dad.”

Me: “And not telling anyone else about it is so good. I don’t mean that hiding all the stuff in your mind is all good. Now, do you think if all of your friends will handle it the way you did?”

Oche: “No.”

Me: “Good. Me too. Do you think if they knew about it, could they have told it to their friends who are not your friends?”

Oche: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. Me too. Do you think that if all these people heard of it, there’s a chance that she could have been made jest of, and things could have gotten out hand?”

Oche: “Mm-hm.” (Nodding)

Me: “I think so too. Can you imagine how embarrassed she would have been?”

Oche: “Not good.”

Me: “Yeah. So many young people have hurt themselves because of being bullied and ridiculed, but you chose to protect her. See, when you guys grow older she’ll thank you when she remembers. So you’ve done do well, and thank you for telling mom and me. That was smart.”

Oche: “Thanks, dad.”

Me: “If anything comes up again or if you’re not sure about how to handle any situation, come and tell me and I’ll advise you. If I don’t know how to, we’ll research it together.”

Oche: “Thanks, dad.” (He smiled with a big sigh of relief and contentment)

I believe Sweetheart and I have just passed another safety test. It’s like a continuous assessment grading system. Our children will continuously verify our commitment to providing a safe environment for openness and to be vulnerable.

I am confident that Oche went away reassured of this. By saying we can jointly research concerns that I may not have answers to, I’m allowing for future dialogue and suggesting that the only way to fill a knowledge gap is to learn about it.

Meanwhile, as I was writing this post, Agbenu peeked in and read out the title in a surprised tone:

“My best friend says, she likes me and I don’t know what to do?”

She smiled in mischief with an undertone of “dad, what have you been up to?”

Me: “Yep!” Then I pointed towards Oche, to say, not me, it’s him, but she didn’t get it. So I said, “it’s from Oche.” (Returning her smile)

Agbenu: “Ohhhh, ok but I have a suggestion.”

Me: “Ok. Tell me. (I drew her close and threw my arms over shoulders and she cuddled in)

Agbenu: “If you’re married and someone likes you, don’t just say no because it can hurt their feelings. You could say something like ‘well, I’m already married and I vowed to stay with my husband or wife, and you are a nice woman or man and I like you as a friend. It’s just that I’m already married, so let’s continue to be great friends. No hard feelings.'”

Me: “That’s so good Mama. Thank you.”

Agbenu: “Mm-hmm. Tell me if you need any more help.”

Me: “Ok. How did you come up with that?”

Agbenu: “Well, I thought it was you so I wanted to give you a suggestion.”

Me: “Well, thank you, I like your suggestion and I’ll remember it.”

Agbenu: “You’re welcome.”

Well, folks with that I have no teaching or further insights to offer. My relationship management experts have freely spoken and I strongly agree with them. Thanks to the presence of showing up, safety and active listening.

Now the LORD is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:17

• 5/21/19