This post is two-fold and I wrote it over two days. I completed the first part on the first day, and I thought it was over. However, the next day a follow up on the first day’s discussion gave it a new flavor.

Yesterday morning we were getting Agbenu and Ofu ready for school. Sweetheart was working on Agbenu’s hair and I was assisting Ofu. While I knelt to apply an additional moisturizer of coconut oil over his leg, Agbenu looked down at me and said:

“Dad, there is some white stuff on your hair.”

I looked up into the mirror and noticed that she meant my grey hair. So I smiled and said:

“Mama, it’s not white stuff, those are grey hair.”

Agbenu: (Stricken with dismay, she moaned) “Nooo! Does that mean you’re getting old?”

Me: “Yes, and it’s a good thing. We’re all getting old. But, that’s not the main reason why I have grey hair. Grey hairs don’t always mean old.”

Sweetheart: (Chipped in) “Mama, dad’s right. Some much younger people also grow grey hair.”

Agbenu: (More relaxed) “So mom, do you also have grey hairs?”

Sweetheart: (Smiling) “I have a few.”

Agbenu: “Awww! I just don’t want y’all to grow old.”

Me: “Growing older is normal and there is fun for every age. Now, that you’re 10 years do wish that you were still 9?”

Agbenu: “Nope!”

Me: “See! You’re starting to do bigger girls stuff and you’re enjoying them like you baked banana bread last night.”

Agbenu: “Oh yeah!” (Now all lit up)

Me: “When you were 8 years old, you could not bake it and now you’re so good that you don’t need a recipe anymore, and mom just relaxes and watch you do your thing!”

Agbenu: (All smiles)

Me: “So you see, how getting old can be good?”

Agbenu: “Yeah.”

Me: “So my grey hair is ok and you see it because I’ve not had a hair cut and my hair has overgrown my it’s normal length. When I keep my hair low you don’t see my grey hair easily.”

Agbenu: “Ohhh!” (She exclaimed in contentment).

Then Ofu who’s been just quiet all along popped the question:

“Dad, you’re gonna be still cool right?”

That was one of the cutest pleas for reassurance that I’ve ever heard!

Me: “Of course! What made you ask so?”

Ofu: “I don’t know. I just want you to be cool.”

That’s not an unusual response from him, he’s a man of few words.

Me: “You want to be able to do fun stuff with me even when I’m an older man right?”

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “Of course, we will. Here…👊🏾 (I gave him a fist bump!) Mama does that make you feel better?”

Agbenu: “Yes!”😊

I don’t know if Agbenu’s concern was related to ageism or the fear that my aging would affect my intentionality or active involvement in her life. However, I see the encounter as an opportunity to reassure her of my continued presence in spite of aging.

Similarly for Ofu, I am committed to being “cool.” To me, being “cool” would mean that I continue to ensure a fun and loving environment so he can thrive.

And that was it, I thought, we’re all happy campers!

• 11/6/19

This morning as we were going through our morning routine of getting them ready for school, I felt tickled and was led to revisit the discussion from yesterday.

Me: “So Mama, you feel much better about my grey hair?”

Agbenu: “Do you want to know the truth about why I felt sad yesterday?”

Me: “Yes, My Only One!”

She paused and tears began to well in her eyes, then began to weep uncontrollably. I was struck with confusion not knowing what to ask.

Me: “Mama, please tell me… what’s going on?”

I held her in my bosom and as she found some consolation, she said:

“Your grey hair made me think that you’re getting ready to go.”

Me: “Go where?”

Agbenu: “Go to Heaven.”

Me: (Hugging her tighter) “Oh Mama, I’m so sorry that you are so sad about my grey hair. But you know what?”

Agbenu: “What?”

Me: “I’m so proud of your maturity. You think beyond your age, you reason beyond a 10-year old child.”

Agbenu: (Beaming with a smile) “Thanks, dad.”

Me: “See, grey hairs have absolutely nothing to do with dying, ok. Remember, yesterday mommy said even much younger people than her and me now grow grey hair and it’s even cool. See Papa and … (our neighbors – names withheld), they’ve gone all grey and are about 30 years older than me but they are not dying.”

Agbenu: “Mm-hmm.”

Me: “Yes, every day we grow older but we don’t worry that we are dying. Right? Let’s think about today and keep things positive.”

Agbenu: “Yeah.”

Me: “Only God truly knows when anyone would be going to Heaven, and He knows how to take care of their loved ones they go. He promises to be always with us and He’s here right now listening to us even though we don’t see or feel Him. So for now, let’s trust God, make the best of the moment, be the best of ourselves, love God and love people, have fun and help whoever is in need if we can help them. Ok”

Agbenu: “Ahhhh, I feel so much better. Thanks, dad.”

Me: “That’s My Only One! Come here (we hugged). I love you!

Agbenu: “I love you too daddy.”

Me: “Always remember that you can talk to me about anything.”

Agbenu: “Thanks, daddy.”

Me: “Now, go and have a blessed day.”

Phew! I’m so glad that I followed my heart to probe again today. Now, if you’re unconvinced that children can display facade, how about that one? I had no clue that she was distressed by her interpretation of sighting grey hairs on my head. Another insight I got is that her reflective thinking skills are being developed and revealed. Again, I intend to nurture hers and her brothers’ imaginations so they can take flight by sustaining the enabling environment that will foster honest conversations. I am glad that her fears have been allayed. I just have to be actively present to catch the unspoken emotions. So help me God! Amen!

• 11/7/19

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8: 38 – 39.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31: 8.