Once again, we revisit the issue of assuming and taking ownership of one’s responsibilities with Oche.

Sweetheart and I received an email explaining the new grading system and emphasizing the importance of the continuous assessment scores to the overall grade. Firstly, timeliness in submitting homework and other assigned tasks caught our attention. Next was attentiveness.

We’ve been having an ongoing conversation about tardiness, and not rushing carelessly through his work. So with the email pulled up, I invited him for a discussion.

Me: “Oche, I’d like to talk about something with you.”

Oche: “Ok, dad.”

Me: “Here’s an email we received from Ms. Jobe (his math teacher). It explains how your work is graded. She’s saying you’re losing points for not submitting your homework on time or not submitting at all. What’s really going on?

Oche: “I forgot to submit it.”

Me: “That’s what Ms. Jobe is saying… It’s happening very often, and your overall grade is dropping. At my last meeting with your teachers, they all basically gave the same reason why your grade is dropping. They said that you’re getting distracted and not doing your activities when you’re supposed to be doing them, which is why you’re falling behind. See, they are not going to chase you all around like in elementary school. In 6th grade, you’re expected to be responsible for your time. That’s why you have a schedule. That’s also why we set up reminders on your phone to help you stay on top of your activities.”

Oche: “Dad, but I got an ‘A’ on the Math test.”

Me: “That’s the point.”

Oche: (Surprised 😮)

Me: “…but see how much mom and I have to chase and remind you to complete your practice or I’m using my lunch time at work to help you out when you get stuck on your homework, but you end up not turning it in. I know you can make an ‘A’ anytime because you’re a smart kid. You know the stuff and I don’t have a problem with that. So why not stay in “A” where you belong if you’ll only do your work at the right time. You made an ‘A’ on the test but you’re barely hanging on to a ‘B’ because you haven’t been turning in your homework or you’re turning them in late. In the first nine weeks, you worked hard did excellently, and that’s why you were elected into the Knights of Honor but this time, I don’t know…

Oche: (Remorseful and 😢)

Me: “If you use the reminders on your phone to prompt you and you do your tasks like you’re supposed to then we shouldn’t be having this conversation. Remember that I’m also doing everything that I’m telling you to do. Look at my reminders again (showed him). Discipline is needed in everything we do so we can be successful. You’re an athlete and you know how much discipline is required of you. You will be playing football in 7th grade and you will need a lot of discipline in order to stay in the team. See, academics is just a small part of you. What I’m trying to do is to help you to become an all-around efficient and effective person. Do you know what being efficient and being effective means?”

Oche: “Kind of. It’s like…(hesitant)

Me: “Ok, efficient basically means not being wasteful and using a small amount of stuff to get the best result, like using your time well. Effective means to be successful at what you do. Try your best to do everything in excellence as I pray for you every morning. When that begins to happen you will be excellent in all your school work, at your home chores, in sports, with your friends and so on. I’m not asking you to go and bring A’s or am I asking you for perfection. Remember we always say practice makes…”

Oche: “Progress.”

Me: “…and to put in your best…”

Oche: “Effort.”

Me: “Good. Your best effort may be an ‘A,’ a ‘B,’ or a ‘C’ and that’s ok. If you’re meant to be an ‘A’ student but you’re at B or C just because you’re not turning in your homework or not completing your other activities then you have cheated yourself out. See how it’s starting to affect you in almost all subjects? So, I’m going to help you to reduce the distractions by putting away all your devices and stop you from watching football both on TV and on the computer. While waiting for your school bus, instead of getting on the computer to play, you’ll have to do something else like reading or revising your work. We will try this for one week, and if you use your time well and stay on top of your work then you can get back your privileges or else I’ll have to extend it.”

Oche: (Sobbing by now 😢😢😢) “Ok.”

Me: (Opened my bible app) “Do you believe in the bible?”

Oche: “Yes.” (😢😢😢)

Me: (Located Proverbs 3: 11-12 and Revelation 3: 19). “Look at this:”

My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 3: 11-12.

I read it out. “Here’s another one:”

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.

Revelation 3: 19.

Me: “Did I write them?”

Oche: “No.” (😢😢😢)

Me: “Do you think I’m trying to do what the bible is saying?”

Oche: “Yes.” (😢😢😢)

Me: “Me too. See, if I’m not doing what I’m doing right now, I’ll be an irresponsible father. All I’m doing is to teach you things that will help you now and later in life. Sometimes it can be tough, like now but you’ll be much happier later.”

Me: (Held both of his shoulders and looked into his eyes) “Let me tell you something, you are a very smart kid, just do your thing and no matter what, I will always love. There’s nothing that can stop me from loving you. I want you to remember that. I love you😊.”

Oche: “I love you too, dad.” (😢😢😢)

Me: “Now go and freshen up your face. If you need help, I’ll be here to help and use your phone reminders as well.

Oche: “Ok, dad” (got up to go)

Me: “Come here (hugged him and patted his shoulder)

So what insights did I come away with?

I feel like I did an overkill on this one! Did I go off limits? Maybe or maybe not. Did I try to fix things all at once? There’s no quick fix to the skills gaps in discipline and excellence, it is a process.

Although I’m exhausted related to verbal exertion, I feel it’s an indication that I’m still on the right path because good parenting is exhausting.

I couldn’t help buts ask: what will make your child to still express their love for you in the middle of being disciplined? – preestablished honest and safe communication, I’d say.

I appreciate the importance of having a common ground within our family underpinned by our values and belief system. Using the two scriptures from the Bible to justify this interaction and his acceptance was the highlight! Having the Bible as our reference point is analogous to a state or an organization acknowledging to be governed by its constitution.

• 1/23/19