I found Oche’s cellphone case lanyard attached to a piece of scrap item.

Me: “Oche what is your phone lanyard doing attached to this spring or whatever?”

Oche: “It doesn’t stay attached on my phone. It keeps coming off.”

Me: “So why is now attached to the scrap? You could have asked for help.”

Oche: “Ok, I’ll take it out.”

He had a kind of lackluster attitude which made me guess he doesn’t like it, maybe. After a few unsuccessful attempts to wiggle it out, he went and grabbed the kitchen scissors, cut off the hook, and returned to me.

Oche: “I took it out.”

Me: “What did you do?” (In a very angry tone).

Oche: “It wouldn’t come off so I cut it off with the scissors.”

Me: (Still in anger) “You should have known that it’s going to be messed up after you cut it! There’s no way this can be fixed to get a good knot! What were you thinking?” I was basically chewing him out with my tone when he cried out:

“Dad, but I was only trying to help…😢”

Then he walked back to the kitchen, sat down, put his head on the kitchen table and began to weep.

The truth is that we’ve been having an ongoing discussion with him about taking ownership of responsibilities and to take care of resources. It has been challenging and sometimes may appear to be unproductive. So my rage (instant 0 to 100) was fuelled by that backdrop. However, I realized immediately that I had blown it and all that rage was unnecessary. So I began to question my action, and thought to myself:

• You guessed he didn’t like the lanyard. So why didn’t you ask if it was important to him? Maybe all that tension could have been avoided.
• You were not proactive to inquire when he was going to the kitchen.
• You reacted instead of responding.
• Was losing the lanyard really worth the chewing up? After all, his phone has been fine without it.
• Did you just limit his courage by injecting into him, the fear of failure? Did I instill a negative consequence of failure?
• How would you handle such scenario in the future?

Now I’m thinking of service recovery.

So I went and sat next to him.

Me: “I’m sorry that I spoke to you in the way that I did. I know that we’ve been talking to you about your responsibilities and are beginning to scold you a lot. I don’t want you to stop trying to fix a problem or do what you have to do because of the fear of the consequences of getting it wrong. Here’s what you should learn from what just happened. If you must destroy something in order to fix a problem don’t be in a hurry to do so. Check and be sure that there are no other options for solving the problem. Then see if you can get help, maybe someone else can try something different can fix the problem. Even if you feel that you don’t need that stuff anymore, someone else may need it or it could be used for something else. Did you get that?

Oche: “Yes, dad.” (Crying stopped)

Me: “Good. Just think through and keep doing your best.”

Oche: “Thanks, dad. I love you.”

Me: “I love you too.” (Hug)

Relationship restored through the filter of grace! I’ll always opt for the relationship before the performance. Performance skills can easily be learnt, but a dented relationship can be a daunting task to restore. Sometimes even if restoration seems successful it may not be up to the initial standard trust.

Being shamed is a feeling that I’m still learning to handle appropriately, and imagine that he may be already struggling with it. So with the instrument of grace, I hope that I’ll influence him and his siblings to develop effective coping and to be graceful in their relationships.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

Hebrews 4: 15.

• 1/5/19