It’s one of those dragging mornings again with Ofu, my self-declared “not-a-morning-person” son. And yes, Sweetheart and I have had several burnouts with him.

Ofu prefers to share bathrooms with us instead of with his siblings. So, his towel and toiletries are in our bathroom. When he woke this morning, he went into our bathroom, stayed there for a while, then left and went to the game room and started playing on his device. I was already awake and even had been out of bed but came back to bed to rest a little. Sweetheart was in the kitchen; an eavesdrop away from our bedroom and bathroom. We didn’t hear him run the water to brush his teeth.

Sweetheart: “Ofu, have you brushed your teeth?”

Ofu: “Yes!” He said with a raised voice.

Sweetheart went to our bathroom, picked up his toothbrush, and said, “how come your toothbrush is not wet? And I didn’t hear the water running. You need to go and brush your teeth.”

Sweetheart returned to me with Ofu’s toothbrush, reported the situation, and how Ofu grumbled and kept playing his game. She wants me to intervene and fix it. I told her that I heard everything and was thinking about how to approach it. Then the first idea dropped.

So, I got out of bed, went to our bathroom, and grabbed my toothbrush. Luckily it was still wet. I also took Ofu’s and then met him in the game room.

Me: “So, did you say you brushed your teeth this morning?”

He grumbled again and kept playing his game.

Me: “Look at my toothbrush; I brushed my teeth earlier than you came down. It is still wet, but yours is dry, meaning you didn’t brush.”

He didn’t bulge.

Parenting experts recommend that parents not engage their children in arguments that they cannot win. The light bulb came on, and I knew that Sweetheart and I could not win this one with this approach. If I continued, it would only amount to a yelling spree. So I left him, stored the toothbrushes away, and went back to bed. I was sure that he was already thinking about what privilege he would lose as a consequence, just like I was. Soon after I went back to bed, I heard his movement in the kitchen. He was around Sweetheart for breakfast. At that instant, the second idea dropped. I heard my inner man say, “don’t sweat it, just say, “I don’t believe you.” Then I got up, joined them, and sat on the kitchen table. By this time, he started to appear remorseful.

Me: (Calmly) “Ofu, do you remember the other day how we all thought that you got upset and tossed your laundry basket?

Ofu: “Yeah.”

Me: “Do you remember how you explained that it wasn’t because you were upset but that it was from earlier on when you were looking for your scout uniform, and then I told you that I believed you?”

Ofu: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, today, I don’t believe that you have brushed your teeth. All the evidence shows that you didn’t, but you kept insisting that you did. Mom and I are sad that we can’t trust your word.”

Then I walked away. Ofu sat with head down; evidently, his conscience was pricked. A little while after I laid back down, he went and brushed his teeth.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 51:17.

I smiled and thought about the power of appealing to the conscience. Would it not have been easier for me to flare up and demand to follow the instruction? I think it would, but I don’t think it would have been effective. The chances are that he will remain adamant and unyielding to my parenting authority. However, by allowing him the opportunity to scrutinize his actions through his conscience, he was able to make the right decision and do the right thing. And this is a principle that is generally applicable to other life’s situations.

I believe that saying, “I don’t believe you,” was only effective because of our pre-existing trusting and thriving relationship. I think it would have been meaningless and ineffective if that kind of relationship didn’t pre-exist. Having a continuous trusting and thriving relationship is my overall goal, and that’s why I have developed six principles or philosophies to guide my fatherhood journey. I use them to help us to stay on track towards this goal. They are as follows:

1. Being present
2. Creating a safe environment
3. Intentional listening
4. Dialogue
5. Valuing relationship over performance
6. Being a provider
   

Details of each of them are available on my fatherhood philosophy page (click on the link or here to see them.)

So, fellow parents, I hope this episode struck a chord in you as it did in me. We don’t have to tackle all challenging situations from our children with might but to allow The Voice of our consciences to come to play.

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

John 14:26.

• 12/23/21