I wasn’t prepared for this; it was a make or break encounter, but it turned out to be a great learning experience for me and my daughter.

Agbenu: “Dad, I have a crush on…” (a male schoolmate)

I braced up and let out a smile to encourage her openness.

Me: “Ok, Mama…tell me more. So, what’s a crush?”

Agbenu: “It’s a fancy word for love.”

Me: “So what do you love about him?”

Agbenu: “His hair, his clothes. And he’s cool.”

Me: “Thank you, Mama, for telling me this. (Her face lit up with a smile). I also felt like that when I was a little child but as I became a grown up, I realized love means more than hairstyles, clothes, and being cool. It takes a long time to love somebody else. First, you have to become friends, and that takes a while because you really have to know and trust them. Sometimes the time is too short for you to know them enough, like next year you might be in a different class or move to a new school and make new friends just like you two came from different classes. Right?

Agbenu: “Right.”

Me: “So if you and… are not in the same class next year then you won’t see each other as much and play together as much. Then you don’t know each other well enough to become friends before you can love him. Before you can really love somebody, they too have to love you. You have to be happy with each other for most of the time, and you have to be nice to each other even when you’re “mad” with each other. So, see why I said it takes so much time?”

She nods in agreement.

Me: “Also, sometimes I don’t look cool, like when I’ve not had a hair cut or a shave; when I’m working in the yard and I’m all sweaty and scruffy, or when Oche and Ofu have had not haircuts and they are not wearing cool clothes…you still love us right?”

Agbenu: “Yep.”

Me: “Now, that’s love not crush.”

Agbenu: “So that means we can’t be friends yet?”

I was hoping she won’t ask that…

Me: “You can be friendly with him. Do you know what friendly means?”

Agbenu: “Yes. It’s a fancy word for being nice.”

Me: “Yes, be nice to him just like you would be nice to everyone. Remember mom and I had a talk with you before about not everyone you meet and even play with are your friends. It’s just ok to be nice to people without them being your friends because some bad guys can pretend to be your friend just to hurt you. That’s why I said you have to really know them first.

Agbenu: “Thank you, daddy, for the advice.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Mama and thank you for telling me. Remember, you can always tell me anything. Ok?”

Agbenu: “Yes dad.”

We hugged.

Me: “I love you.”

Agbenu: “I love you too dad.”

She ran cheerfully to play… Hmm.

I salute her courage for telling what could have easily made her vulnerable to being scolded; a feeling she absolutely had no control over. It was a total display of trust in me. I very well identify with her emotions, as I remember mine like it happened just yesterday. I feel a great sense of pride to be a go-to dad! I’m even more proud to be her go-to man. Let me be the “guy” that affirms and teaches her from my experience until hopefully when Mr. Right comes along.

People, that is the reality of our times. Men, guys if we don’t stand in the gap to provide attention and affirmation for our daughters and sisters then they’ll get it from the wrong dude, only God can help if that becomes the case.

I’m also excited because of this experience; I believe will help us to build a trustful relationship for years ahead. I believe that safely engaging in such meaningful dialogue with her from these early years will pave the way for her sharing even more personal experiences as she grows older. For if I have mismanaged her openness and feelings now then why should she trust me in the future? Hopefully, I am vesting adequately now so we reap a trusting relationship during the much-dreaded adolescence when parental engagement is largely shunned.

Overall, something tells me I’m into something good as Herman’s Hermit sang!

– 5/9/17

Reiterating the lessons from our previous discussion about crush with my daughter. – A couple of months later.

Me: “Mama, remember our discussion when you had a crush on…?”

Agbenu: “Yes, dad.”

Me: “See I’m all scruffy and sweaty as I’m working on our lawn. I’m not wearing cool clothes and I don’t look cool. So, does it mean you don’t love me anymore?”

Agbenu: “No, dad. I still love you. And the yard looks really nice and clean.”

Me: “Now, that’s love, and not crush. Got it?”

Agbenu: “Yes, dad.”

That’s the real deal!

– 7/28/17