I Don’t Know What Your, And Mom’s Position Is, About…
On our way to John’s swimming class, we drove for a while in silence then I got a hunch to ask him how things were going with him.
You know, men are wired to carry on silently in each other’s company without much chit-chatting, yet no threat will be posed to their relationship. That was the mood I perceived initially as we drove on. However, I couldn’t resist the urge to ask him the question.
Me: “So what’s been going on with you?”
John: “Hm?”
It was an open-ended question in which he didn’t know my aim. So, I understood his reaction was meant to keep him on the alert.
Me: “…as in your schoolwork, friends, or anything that you’d like to share or talk about with me.”
After reassuring him of safety, his sense of assurance and clarity became evident in his more relaxed demeanor and smile.
His leading statement was:
“I don’t know what your, and mom’s position is, about…” Then he bore his mind.
Now, I must use my discretion here to conceal the details of our conversation. It is meant to protect his confidentiality so that we can continue to enjoy a trusting relationship. I must maintain my number one job of being his father and not just collecting information for my journal. I hope you understand. However, I will do my best to give you a general idea of the theme and then share my insights, which will help to close the loop.
It was such a joy that he still feels safe to open up to me the way he did. We talked about everything from academics, extracurricular activities – athletics and Scouting to relationships with boys and girls. As an adolescent, relationships were the highlight and we spent some time on it.
I helped him to understand the factors of enjoyment and having values, are necessary for healthy relationships. I told him that people in a relationship should enjoy certain things together but not all things, and that’s what makes it fun.
But beyond enjoyment, everyone in a relationship should have values. It is our values that dictate how we behave. I used excellence as an example of values. If a person values excellence, they will work diligently in everything they do to get excellent results. And I told him that this is not about perfection but about putting in our best efforts.
Then we talked about peer pressure (both positive and negative). I reminded him of how he and his friends influenced each other to use good hygiene practices, which he shared with me and Sweetheart in the past (it was a relief for me and Sweetheart when he told us because being noticed by peers helped him to own his hygiene, which mom and dad stayed on him for a while). Next, we talked about negative peer pressure which can influence him into early sex, alcohol, and drug abuse. I told him that in either case, his values will help to develop and uphold the effects of positive peer pressure and resist the effects of negative peer pressure.
As a male adolescent, relating with girls was a major highlight of our conversation. I reminded him of our previous conversations about how to enjoy trusting relationships with girls. I reiterated that our role as males is to love and protect our female friends and that if we protect them, then we won’t hurt them. I explained further that hurt does not mean only physical but also… and before I would say it, he said “emotional.”
Me: “Exactly! I’m glad that you said that. What else?”
John: “Verbal.”
Me: “Awesome! And lastly, sexual abuse. As your body goes through puberty you will attract girls and girls will attract you. You must remember men’s role of protecting them. You also have to protect yourself from girls who may invade your space. It’s both ways. But you will have a lot of power if you exercise self-control and understand how to be friends with girls without getting involved until the right time. It is such a cool thing, that girls feel safe around us.”
He smiled as I told him of how I protected my female friends and how we are still friends even now that we are married. I told him about one of my friends, who was so good at being a safe friend of girls, and how his home was a safe place for us to gather and socialize.
His smiles and active listening convinced me that he enjoyed our conversation as much as I did. The power of questions should not be underestimated. It was as if he was waiting to be asked and he freely opened up to me. I am realizing that conversations such as these are meant to be ongoing and not a one-time done deal.
See similar conversations in the previous posts below:
I think that as parents, the idea for us is to ask non-threatening questions then relax, listen and let our children open up their hearts to us. If we handle the vulnerable information they give us about themselves safely, then it’s a win-win. When we earn their trust or sustain their trust in us, they feel safer with us and our relationships grow deeper. The goal of having a thriving relationship with our children is to remain connected with them. That’s my belief.
Here’s the deal! In as much as our children are getting older, they want to be lovingly pursued by us. That’s what I’m observing. And as long as it depends on me, they will be pursued.
So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
Romans 14:19.
- 5/14/21