It’s Sunday and I went to 9 am Mass with my sons, Oche and Ofu. Oche sat between me and Ofu, and as we sang a mixture of an English and a Spanish song, I was impressed by Oche’s participation. The crack in his puberty voice was prominent and he was singing more like a grown-up. His Spanish class was paying off indeed as his Spanish accent pronounced in the Spanish sections of the song. At the end of the song, he whispered to me the meanings of some of the Spanish words. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

As we drove home after Mass I said:

“Oche, I enjoyed singing with you today. You nailed the Spanish side.”

Oche: (Beamed with a smile) “Thank you. Oh yeah! I’m going to write a new song today.”

Now, you don’t know this yet, Oche writes songs and creates beats on his laptop. He learned how to create beats from YouTube. He’s already applying his talents there and that’s a topic for another post.

Me: “Oh, really what’s it going to be about?”

Oche: “Well, you know how some people are overprotective right? Ok. There’s this dude in school who I was just talking with his girlfriend and he just went…

‘Hey, dude back off! That’s my girlfriend!’

And I said, “Hey, dude we’re just talking, nothing is going on.’

Then he said, ‘chill out. You think I don’t know what you’re trying to do?”

Me: “Hmmm! Interesting!”

Oche: “Yeah, right? And the thing is I and the girl have been friends since we started 6th grade.”

Me: “Oh wow! So, what happened next?”

Oche: “I smiled and just shrugged it off because I wasn’t going to get into an argument over nothing. So she smiled back and said:

‘He gets jealous and overprotective.’

…then I laughed and walked away.”

Me: “Boy! I’m so proud of you in the way you are handling these types of situations. Remember the girl who says she likes you?” (Click here to read the post MY BEST FRIEND SAYS, SHE LIKES ME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.)

Oche: “Oh yeah!”

Me: “That’s so mature of you.”

Oche: “Thanks, dad!”

Me: “You know that you’re a popular student, you’re an honor roll student, a football player and in the school team, then you’re a KNIGHT. Now, you’re getting ready to be drafted into the basketball team. Those are all qualities that will make both boys and girls admire you a lot. Some boys like that dude can get jealous of boys like you or become intimidated, which can make them react the way he did.”

Oche: “Yeah.”

Me: “The other thing is that overprotective people are usually insecure. They feel they can easily lose who or what they have so they’re suspicious of everyone who comes around. They don’t find the facts before they act out.”

Oche: “Right?”

Me: “Yeah. That means they are not free and whoever they are being overprotective of is also not free, just like she couldn’t just have a friendly conversation with it you, even though you’re friends. That’s sad.”

Oche: “Naaa, I don’t want that.”

Me: “Yes, you don’t want that, and I don’t too. So, when someone feels insecure and we can’t help them out, we allow them to be in their comfort zone. That was what you did by walking away without arguing. That was so smart! Good job, son! Now, don’t turn down your light because someone else feels insecure by themselves and continue to maintain healthy relationships with girls. I enjoy having these conversations with you. Bring them anytime! Oh, one more thing, I can’t wait to hear the song.”

Oche: “Thank you” (in his comical way).

As I reflected on our discussion, I couldn’t help but be thankful to God for the blessing of the wonderful relationship between me and my children, and especially with Oche as he develops into puberty. I also appreciate this day and these quality moments that we experienced: from our joyful and harmonious singing together in church to this rich conversation.

The joy of him opening up to me about his relationship with girls is a special gift to be treasured. I didn’t have that opportunity with my parents, and I don’t know any of my peers who did. However, the emotions that accompany relating to the opposite gender is real. If I shut him down, then I have only shut down communication between us, but the feeling will linger on. In which case, he’ll find another outlet from peers, the street or even another man. 

So having recognized the reality of these emotions and that they are undeniable, I have determined that I’ll go there with my kids, and use my experience to better equip them.

Again, it was an opportunity to encourage his stance and gently reiterate the age-appropriate way to relate with girls.

I’m glad that I passed another safety evaluation. I’m aware that our kids are constantly assessing to ensure whether it is still safe to let their parents into “their business.” I know that I did as a kid. How about you? Now, they may not realize that they are performing a safety check until I fail them, and that’s when they shut down; that’s when communications break down. So, I constantly remind myself that it doesn’t matter how excellently I performed previously, aim to remain reliable at all times. I aim to always protect their vulnerability because it’s a privilege for me that they willingly share their hearts and minds with me.

It’s amazing how a simple affirmation can inspire a person, how much more when it’s from their parent. I value relationships more than performance. All it took was just my saying, “I enjoyed singing with you!”

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 12: 18.

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

Proverbs 17: 27.

The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him. 

Proverbs 23: 24.

I do rejoice in my son, Oche.

• 11/17/19