Ofu returns from school, Agbenu and I pick him from the bus stop. Agbenu had a doctor’s appointment earlier so she only went to school for half-day. She was excited to experience picking up her younger brother from the bus stop.

We welcomed him after he got off the bus and as we walked back home, I asked him:

“Were you worried that you didn’t see mama on the bus with you?”

Ofu: “No, Ms. Salinas told me that you and mom picked mama.”

Me: “Awesome! Yes, we forgot to tell you this morning that we will be taking mama to her doctor’s appointment. I’m sorry.”

Ofu: “That’s ok.”

I recall that as they prepared for school this morning, we talked about Agbenu’s appointment but missed telling Ofu specifically so, to prevent anxiety when he didn’t see his sister on the bus.

Sweetheart and I started to inform all our children of each other’s doctor’s appointment and early pickups when Agbenu was traumatized on the bus after school a few years ago when she didn’t see Ofu on the bus because we had picked him up earlier for a doctor’s appointment. So, when we realized this afternoon that we didn’t tell Ofu about picking Agbenu early for a doctor’s appointment, Sweetheart sent a text to Ofu’s teacher to inform him. It worked!

Once we got home and Ofu settled in I went to him and asked about his day.

Me: “How was school today?”

Ofu: “Good.”

Expected answer!

Me: “What was the most fun thing about school today?”

Ofu: “Recess and lunch!”

Of course! Playing and eating is fun! Very honest answer! Admirable!

As parents, our default thinking about how our children are doing in school is mostly focused on academic performance. Right? I fall into that trap sometimes too. However, I make a conscious effort to be holistic about their well being for that day. Yes, I’m curious about what they learned daily and their understanding of it.

So having established that Ofu had a great day and recess and lunch were expectedly fun, I left it at that superficial level and proceeded to ask about his academics. Wrong assumption! Please stick with me and you’ll see.

Me: “So what was the most fun thing you learned today?”

Ofu: “Math and science.”

Me: “Tell me. What was the most fun thing about math today.”

He mumbled something and continued watching TV. He was engrossed in the show so I repeated my question. Again, he mumbled and then I thought to shelve math questions until homework time later. Then I asked the same question about science to which he gave me a quick summary of what he learned today. To ensure I understood what he said, I repeated it in a paraphrase. He agreed where applicable but corrected me where I misunderstood him. At that, we were all happy campers and I let him be, then joined Sweetheart in the kitchen to eat.

Soon after, Oche returned from school and we all welcomed him. By this time Sweetheart got off to the counter and I don’t remember what went for because I was engrossed in eating my meal. I overheard her talking with the kids. Upon her return to the table, she told me what they talked about.

She narrated.

Oche noticed immediately he back that Ofu wasn’t in his usual mood and began to probe.

Oche: “What’s going on? You don’t look exactly happy.”

Sweetheart: “He’s fine. He’s just tired.”

Ofu: “Mom, you’re wrong. I’m not fine. I didn’t have a good recess today.”

Sweetheart: “What happened?”

Ofu: “I wanted to make new friends but they didn’t want to talk to me.”

Sweetheart said she advised him that she should have initiated the talk with them, and asked about Dante and Dylan, his two buddies to which Ofu said they were on the playground too but just wanted to make new friends.

So I went to Ofu and told him what Sweetheart said. He said:

“Yes, I wanted to make new friends but they didn’t want to play with me.”

Me: “Did you talk to them?”

Ofu: “Yes. I asked them if I could play with them but they didn’t answer me and they just walked away.”

That broke my heart! That was outright rejection, something I, an adult struggle with.

Me: “That must have really hurt you, right?”

Ofu: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Were Dante and Dylan there?”

Ofu: “Yes, but I wanted to make new friends.”

Me: “Yes, you’re right. It’s good to make new friends. I don’t want you to be discouraged because those kids were not nice to you today. I want you to keep talking to people and keep trying to make new friends. See, it also happens to me, sometimes people are mean to me when I try to be friends with them. I just let them go and I don’t let it stop me from making other new friends. That was God protecting you from being friends with mean people. Like Mom and I always tell you, please always tell us when people do not treat you right. Ok?”

I smiled and winked at him.

Ofu: “Ok.”

Then we hugged. And I went to Oche.

Me: “Thank you for picking up on Ofu’s sad mood. We didn’t notice it until you said so. That’s very good of you and I’m so proud you that y’all look out for each other. That’s what families do.”

Oche: He nodded and said, “you’re welcome.”

I recognize today that I’ve been making wrong assumptions. Sometimes, it seems we know our people and engages with them in a way that will enable us to hear only what we want to hear. From today’s experience, I have to be even more holistic with my questions about his day. Rather than focus on only what went well, I must also be interested in what didn’t go well, especially for introverts, like my son, Ofu. Gentle and holistic probing, as well as active listening, are important to encourage their opening up.

I’ve learned that deeper connection happens in the valleys of life more than on the mountain tops. I have to remain realistic with my children about the darkness that exists in our world and remind them that they have been called to be courageous and be the light in the darkness of their reality.

It was important that I acknowledged and appreciated Oche for his sensitivity to the unseen needy and to encourage his continuity. That’s a strength that must be tapped for the benefit of teams and members.

The beauty of this event is the display of our family cohesion and functionality. We are not a perfect one but we aim for excellence.

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6: 6 – 7

• 2/25/20