“I didn’t grow up having that kind of relationship with my father.”

“Every lady wants to be complimented.”

The first of the above was a lady’s response to what I thought should have been an endearing moment between a father and his daughter. Immediately, I perceived a relationship gap!

The second was another lady’s remark after receiving a compliment. To me, that highlighted the need for affirmation.

Hopefully, I wasn’t being stereotypical, but as a reflective learner, statements like those stimulate my thoughts. Quickly, the primary person that comes to my mind is, Agbenu, my daughter. Because she is still in her formative years, and I am the number one man to train and affirm her.

I believe that a father’s affirmation is more powerful and of a lasting effect than a husband’s or boyfriend’s affirmation. This is because fathers are their daughter’s, first love. How do I affirm my daughter? Here are some ways I do so; they are not exhaustive.

1. By creating a safe environment to foster a thriving relationship. I make myself approachable always.
2. By engaging her in spiritual, intelligent, and emotional conversations.
3. By communicating my love for her expressly verbally, through appropriate touch (hug, kiss, cuddling), text messages, gifts, etc.
4. By spending quality time with her, such as praying, cooking, working on projects together, playing with her, etc.
5. By paying compliments to her godliness, physical and inner beauty, diligence, excellence, virtuousness, creativity, curiosity, skillfulness, etc. I think it is important to identify and praise her specific outstanding qualities. This will encourage her to keep thriving in those areas.

I believe that affirming my daughter has the following effect on her:

1. It gives her a strong sense of rooted identity. The pet name I gave my daughter is “My Only One.” Every time I call her so, she knows that she belongs to a man who will always love, cherish, and wants the best for her. She knows that she’s always mine and carries my name on her.
2. It provides safety. I will remain the safest man for her to be around. I will always protect and defend her. She’s safe to be vulnerable with me. That’s just a given.
3. It will fill up her love tank and cushion or greatly minimize the innate need for another man’s affirmation, which, if not checked, can become inordinate and lead to risky behaviors. “To the woman He said, …Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” – Genesis 3:16.
4. It is the foundation upon which her self-esteem rests and builds.
5. It will bring her joy and reinforce her connection to the source of her being and spiritual strength: God, the Omnipotent! – “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14.

These affirmations and effects are also applicable to my sons, but boys are more naturally driven to chase and conquer. I believe that they are specifically important in minding the gaps that I identified at the beginning. I recall that as we were growing up, Odeh, my brother, and I stood in the gap for our sisters. We played and enjoyed social life with them. We took them to parties, took them out to eat, and bought gifts for them. We talked heart-to-heart. The effect was that they didn’t display a need to have boyfriends. They felt secure in our company. However, I imagine that whenever Odeh and I ran off to hang out with our girlfriends, I believe that they became exposed to the void of wanting to be loved. This is where I believe we, their brothers came short, and I believe that all brothers will fall short in this regard for their sisters. I believe that it will require the most significant male in their lives to safely fill in this void, and that male is the girl’s father. Hence, minding the gap with father’s affirmations.

I encourage my fellow fathers to join me, and let’s fill our daughters’ love tanks with our affirmations so that when they launch out, their boyfriends’, partners’, and ultimately their husbands’ affirmations will be a “nice-to-get” and not a “need-to-get.” Although, to be appreciated if it happens but, if not, they do not fall apart.