I recall that when I become a father, my aunt looked at me and said, “young dude,” as she fondly calls me, “no one can teach you how to be a father. It is something that you will learn as you go.” It was a pregnant statement that continues to be relevant as the events of my fatherhood unfold.

Generally, who and what I am now is shaped by my upbringing, past experiences, and personal development. There are so many values that I received from my father that direct how I parent. I also learned from other fathers, that I admire, in the way they related or relate with their children. My father and these men are my unsung heroes and mentors. I am also constantly exposing myself to parenting resources to help me navigate through my journey. So, in a nutshell, I am parenting with a set of tools, but I also have baggage which I came into fatherhood with.

To illustrate what I mean by tools and baggage, please take a look at the picture of me and my children embedded in this post. It is also the background picture of my Diary of Fatherhood website. It was taken when I had not decided to officially blog about my fatherhood journey.

The picture shows us walking across a bridge into The Battleship Texas. It is the only battleship in existence today that fought in both World War I and World War II. Battleship Texas is now stationed as a museum. So, for me, the picture is the one real image that captions the essence of my blog – “a journal of my fatherhood experience.” Thanks to Sweetheart who had the foresight to capture the moment. Again, thanks to her for recommending it as the background picture of my Diary of Fatherhood.

Just like an abstract painting has several possibilities of interpretations, so does the picture has for me. I see the following dynamics in it. I’m holding onto Agbenu with my left hand and she’s holding hands with Oche. Agbenu and Oche seem secured, anchoring onto me. On the other hand, Ofu is trailing slightly behind on my right. He refused to hold hands with me and insisted on walking by himself. I’ll leave the dynamics between us for now and discuss the environment.

The bridge represents the period of my children’s growth and development, i.e. the period that I’m nurturing and preparing them for adulthood. The ramp between the bridge and Battleship Texas depicts the launch pad into adulthood. The water under the bridge represents the consequences of poor choices on the path to adulthood. Battleship Texas represents the realm where they must apply all they have learned, while being raised, to thrive as adults and to sometimes wade through the murky waters of life. Now, let me return to us.

Oche and Agbenu appear to be obedient children who are playing safe, which has its benefits. On the other hand, it seems they are not exercising independence and daring but just conforming to all that I tell them. If that’s the case, am I stifling their initiatives? Hopefully, not! Ofu appears to be independent and daring. That too has its benefits. On the other hand, he seems unguarded. If that’s the case, am I failing in my role to ensure his safety? Again, hopefully not!

So what is the best parenting approach that I should use? I wish that there is a straight cut answer or formula. I constantly have to find a balance. The picture doesn’t show what happened just before it was taken. I may have just checked on Ofu to be sure he was ok, and I may have not held Agbenu just prior. The picture also cannot say what happened further on the bridge: if I eventually held Ofu’s hand and let go of Agbenu’s. So, in finding a balance in my parenting technique, I’m supposed to teach them when they don’t know and to be their guide as necessary as well as to discipline with grace.

On my parenting journey, sometimes I apply some of the tools handed to me by my parents and sometimes, I deviate from using them. I also use techniques that I have observed from mentors as well as employ those from parenting resources. However, there isn’t a generic tool that fits every situation. 

Equipped with my self-awareness, I use all the tools to devise systems that are individualized to each child.

However, my fatherhood journey hasn’t been devoid of parenting from the baggage that I brought into fatherhood. Again, self-awareness has enabled me to identify issues such as fear, worry, inadequate financial literacy, and other limiting beliefs. These issues are traceable to my childhood and growing up experiences. Consequently, they affect my parenting judgment occasionally.

The good news is that I have used the root cause analysis problem-solving tool to help me identify my core problems. Root cause analysis also serves as a basis for a continuous improvement plan or plan of the solution when I run into contentious situations.

On my parenting journey, there are so many questions that I ask myself. Here are some examples that I am constantly being mindful of:

• What is my reaction when they mess up? Do I react in such a way that infuses the fear of failure into them, thus limiting their courage to dare? No, I should respond, not react – I should think before I act in reply.

• Am I humble enough to apologize to them when I mess up?

• Am I being mindful of their unique personalities?

• How do I communicate my experiences and wisdom so that they can be accepted as gifts and not perceived as impositions?

• Do I compare one child to the order?

• Am I staying committed to valuing relationships more than performance?

Those are not an exhaustive list of the questions that I ask myself as a father, without stating the obvious ones, but just to mention a few.

So being aware of the tools and baggage that I brought into fatherhood, and seeking the rationales behind my actions, I work towards maintaining a balance. Given the means that God has blessed me with, I am doing my best to ensure that my children, and those that I am meeting along the journey, no matter how briefly, will each experience a healthy childhood.

It isn’t about perfection but hopefully about having an outlook of excellence. In spite of how excellent I may approach fatherhood, I’m sure that my children may deviate from mine in certain aspects, in their time. There will be certain areas in which they will feel that I could have done better, and so approach theirs differently, just like I deviated in some ways from my parents’. I will welcome that as a part of their individuality.

My vision is that by the time we arrive at the end of the bridge and my children step on the ramp, they will launch into efficient and effective adults, on the battleship!

“Prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.”

Brad McCoy, father of NFL and Longhorn Legend Colt McCoy

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

Psalm 127: 3 – 5.

• 12/26/19