At breakfast this morning John and Agbenu were giving pep talks to Ofu about Next Level Summer Camp. They shared their experiences as well as expectations from him and the organization.

John called one of his leaders by the first name without his title. I thought it was an opportunity to teach him how to address an official. So I said:

“The correct way to address him is by his title and last name.” Then I said it as it ought to be officially called.

Immediately, he took a deep breath and his face dropped. Then quickly and with lost enthusiasm, he finished his statement and continued with his breakfast silently.

Quickly, I imagined him thinking in exasperation, “here we go again.” Recently, Sweetheart and I have been on more rounds of talks with him about taking ownership of his responsibilities. As he makes progress in academics and extracurricular activities, expectations also increase. Sometimes, he gets comfortable and tasks fall through the cracks, and we have to remind him of his responsibilities as needed. He recently, said we were becoming too critical of him.

While it may appear as if we have become critical of him, the results speak for themselves. As parents, we must do what we have to do, and sometimes playing our roles would not be pleasant to our children. I can say so with the benefit of hindsight being raised by my parents, and I believe that most adults can relate to it similarly. However, I realized something different about this episode so I asked:

“Do your leaders let students call them by their first names?”

John: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. You should have said so. Do you know why I asked?”

John: “No.”

Me: “When I was in England studying, our professors also let us call them by their first names. It was common in their culture and it was very easy for British and European students to call them by their first names. For me, Nigerian students and students from African countries, it was very difficult for us to call them by their first names, because we don’t call elders and people in authority who are older than us by their first names. It is a part of how we respect them. That’s why it was difficult for us to do so. So, we called them “Sirs, Ma’am” or by titles with last names for a while until we became comfortable with calling their first names.”

John: “Oh.”

Me: “Yeah. So, like your camp leaders, it didn’t disrespect them. We were just not used to it from our culture and they understood with us. That’s why I told you to address your leader by their title but now I know why you called them by the first name. It’s not a big deal, again, I’m sorry.”

John: “That’s ok.” He smiled and became lively again.

Me: “When I mess up, I’ll apologize. I want you to always be free to call my attention and explain yourself. But please do it with respect, and not just to me but mom, and to your teachers and other leaders. I don’t want you to hold back from speaking up for yourself.”

John: “Thanks, dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome. You used to do so, remember?”

John: “Yeah.”

Me: “Good.”

Hmmm…

Thank God that I caught the situation and we had this conversation. It is easy to overlook the trauma we cause our children which can cause secondary problems for them in the future.

If I suppress my children’s assertiveness at home, then how can they use it, where it will be most needed in their cycles of interaction outside the home?

I think this is one of the complications of parenting as a first-generation immigrant. We are shaped by how we were raised in our cultural backgrounds and oftentimes, the only perspective of the worldview we have is through the norms and values of our backgrounds. This was the situation between me and my son, this morning.

Therefore, it is important to be culture-sensitive as we raise our children in cultures that are different from those in which we were raised. I foresee a situation where if we not mindful, we can confuse our children as well as negatively affect their confidence and assertiveness in the larger community.

I am glad that I caught my mistake and made amends. Again, this stresses the importance of intentional listening and having dialogues. Above all, I thank God, who led me out of confusing my son.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Psalm 32:8.

• 4/10/21