While driving from John’s scouting activity to the barbershop, he said:

“Dad, I have a question.”

Me: “Go on.”

John: “I have asked mom this question before, but she’s not been able to answer it to make me understand. Why are we not allowed to sleep over in our friends’ houses?”

Me: “There are several reasons. First of all, that’s not how we were raised, and I’m not saying that it is wrong. When we were children, we only slept outside our home if we traveled or were staying over with the family or relatives for a while. Second, it’s a new culture for your mom and me. Although we have been in the US for thirteen years and have become citizens, we still don’t understand every aspect of the culture and are still learning it. So, please bear with us. Imagine that I took you to Nigeria now; although you are a Nigerian-American, you won’t just jump into everything that they do without understanding them, even if it’s our culture. When we left Nigeria, you were nineteen months old. So what made you ask?”

John: “My friend’s birthday is going to be a sleep-over party.”

He planned to attend his friend’s party later today.

Me: “I am sorry that you won’t be able to stay for the sleepover, but you can stay until 11 pm, and I’ll pick you up.”

He accepted reluctantly.

Me: “Let me ask you this question. Are you friends with all his friends?”

John: “No.”

Me: “Is he friends with all your friends?”

John: “No.”

Me: “That means you don’t know everybody who is going to be at the party, right?”

John: “Yes.”

Me: “And you don’t have to know them all. The point I’m trying to make is this: with the freedom that kids have now, so many are doing whatever they want without control and respect for themselves and authorities. You see it at your school, and I see it too. And we all know about how some are already using drugs in all the fancy ways. We heard about kids sneaking stuff into sleep-over parties without the adults knowing, and that’s how other kids get introduced to drugs. That’s another reason.  Again, I’m not saying that these will happen at your friend’s party, it’s just that we have our family values which we have to live by. Please understand with us.”

John: “That’s ok.”

Me: “Maybe, they say the sleeping part is the most fun, right?”

John: “Yes. (Name withheld) told me that the sleeping part is the most fun part of the party. And their parents let them go.”

Me: “I guess their parents fully understand the culture than your mom and me. You know, they came to America before us. Until we do, we will have to protect you. Trust me, in a few years from now, you will be able to make your independent decisions, and you will see that you didn’t miss out. Please understand that we are not condemning their culture, we are yet to fully understand it. And when we do, we still don’t have to do everything that they do to belong. Ok?”

John: “Got you, daddy.”

Me: “Thank you. Go, have fun and be safe, and pick you up later.”

John: “I will.”

Friends, having tough conversations with our children is a part of the drill of parenting. I am always happy that my children feel safe to ask unsettling questions. I don’t know it all but I’ll do my best to provide workable answers or guide our conservation to a reliable source of the answer. As much as possible, whenever I disapprove of their requests, I should also provide a reasonable explanation, so they can go away with some clarity. I also recognize that there are times when I must take a stand without having to explain beyond saying I’m the parent. However, it shouldn’t be the norm and where my decisions are faulty, I should be humble to own it. I believe that if I appeal to their good judgment, we should be able to arrive at a compromise and they can learn from it.

• 1/29/22